If you haven’t heard about To Write Love on Her Arms, you don’t know me at all. My life has seems to reek of this movement since Chelsie Grace’s suicide. I heard about it through friends a year before, but after she died in 2006, I had to do something. I couldn’t just sit there and watch my friends in agonizing pain over her loss. I couldn’t just sit there numb and blame myself for not seeing the underlining issue in her life. I couldn’t just sweep the issue under the rug and pretend my thoughts of suicide didn’t exist. I had to do something.

So, I bought a shirt, posted banners, and wrote blogs. Promoting didn’t take my thoughts of suicide away. I didn’t have a life like Renee had. I didn’t have a physically abusive relationship. I wasn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. I did, however, have a mask covering up my pain of the past. I did cut. I did cry. For years, kids made fun of me. Kids are mean and cruel when they find your weakness. I heard the same lies over and over again, thus believing things such as “you’re too fat”, “you’re too stupid”, “you are ugly”, and so on. I wanted to be different and change.

I was 12 years old when I first thought about suicide. A kid came up to me at the fair and said, “Colleen, this ride only holds two tons, guess you can’t go on.” I battled what people thought about me. I didn’t know my value.

I have been changed by To Write Love on Her Arms because they give hope to kids just like me. Sure, I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all together. I fall short SO MANY TIMES. My life isn’t any easier just because I’m involved in such a cause as this. I do know that I have people behind me. I have a God that loves me, a family that supports me, and friends who are always there. If love is the movement, then we have to spread that love like a wildfire.

if we're on the subject of justyn... he's possibly the BEST GUY i've ever had in my life. no joke.
he calls me beautiful when i'm not even looking for compliments.
he hugs me longer than i hug him.
he loves my small hands.
he is a dork.... and it's so attractive.
he plays drums for the break thru....
he makes me happy.
he listens to what i have to say.
he remembers MOST of what i have to say.
his text messages seem true.
he likes me for me.
he makes me feel safe.

sure, he isn't perfect, but are any of us really perfect?

i guess happy is all i have to say.

"Safety in the Sea"
Sever your Ties

If a picture says a thousand words, how many does the debut album from Sever your Ties scream? Listening to the album, you can hear potential and promise with every word. The vocals are clean, the guitar riffs are epic, and the drums crash in protectively. The mixture of all these elements are blended together evenly, providing classic rock ties eager to pump your fists with each hopeful break down, but there's something lacking. Everything in this album, from the screaming to the guitar melodies, screams safe. It's pretty and lyrical, but safe. It's clean and emotional, but safe. How can such a cleanly written Christian hardcore metal album be safe?

The album opens up with the song "Voice like a Nova". The beginning reels you in and smacks you with lyrics of "How long will you simples ones, live your simple ways/and fools hate knowledge, we should think before we say." The lyrics are very reminiscing of the Proverbs found in the Bible, many of which I had to write over and over again when I got into trouble growing up. The slide into "After a Storm" is very slick and creative. Most of the transitions on this album are. It's a great mixture of screaming and melodic singing, both very put together. "Hand and Hand", is possibly the best intro on this album. It makes you want to clap and stomp out to the beat. "I walk side by side with an angel/and I hold hands with the devil/and everything feels the same."

My two favorite tracks are "This is What You Get" and "(Don't Fear) the Reaper". Maybe I take interest in them because I like awesome break downs and raw emotional screaming, or maybe it's the powerful lyrics and the reliability to their honesty. "This is What You Get" is clear and draws you in. "You run into your room, shut the door and cry/but don't stay true to the feelings you hold inside/you have your vanity but you can't blame them/when you believe it's true and everything's a lie." Those kind of lyrics are some you write in your memory for the rest of your life. "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" is also a great lyrical song, but a cover. Sure, there's only one cover of a song on the album, but hopefully, it won't be a theme for albums to come, since it's the only song you find a little bit catchy and easy to remember.

Each song on the album, by itself, can be taken as an amazing piece of work, leaving you wanting more, but what about the whole album as a unit stand? It's a good album, don't get me wrong, but you won't remember it after the new Under0ath album "Lost in Sound and Separation" drops in September, both from Solid State Records (U0 is also joined with Tooth & Nail). How does it stand as a debut album? It's pretty good album. The guys in the band seem very passionate and driven, digging deeper than just another song meaning. My issue with it is every song seems to sound the same. I even had it on repeat and I didn't know when the album started replaying itself. It never sounded bad or says the "wrong" message, but it's on a "steak" demanding record label and it delivers a really good "hamburger".

Grade: 3.5/5

i think that the world is obsessed with being skinny. they encourage you to have a boyfriend and look perfect. i don't wanna be just another person. just another kiss. just another good time.

i want to be set apart. i'd rather be FAT or BIG than be stupid. intellegence is something important to me. so why dumb yourself down to get a boyfriend or something retarded.

this is how i stand. call it offensive but i don't care.


anyways.

say you won't care, / say you won't care, / retrace the steps, as if we forgot

it;s an unanswered unopenned letter, waiting for some sort of clarity.
it reads, "i'm moving on." or something of that sort.
but how can i declare victory over something i'm clearly not over with?

why put a new address on the same old loneliness?

how can i move on from something i thought so close?
maybe there's a reason.
give me a reason...
but you can't when your words don't match your actions.

words are nothing at this point.
songs about my scars and heart mean nothing to me now.
get here now. wait for me now.
but you won't even wait seconds.

i drive.
you aren't here.
and i breathe warm tears over and over again.
i'm going to write you a bill.
for every second i thought about you.
a penny a minute.
a penny for thought.
put that in writting.
if i had a nickle for every time...
i could buy you a clue.

wake up wake up wake up

i have dissappeared.

 -------------------

"clinical"

my head, it pounds.
why can't i rest my eyes?
why can't i shut you out?
why can't i stay in this moment tomorrow?
let's just put this off til tomorrow....
i'll be ready when i rest.
but my body is weak...but my mind is wandering.
where do i go for peace and rest when i have been abandoned?
"WHY OH WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME"

i've been wrong.
i've been right.
but this is more than that.
this is more than me being here.
this is more than lack of sleep.
this is it.
this is my problem.
it all starts with now.

-----


the demon won't let go.
    my hand is pressed against the core.
       it's crushing now.
          who are you to judge me?
             who are you to be me?
                 who are you now?
                     all i had to say was sorry?
                        the cave is growing thin now
                     as the bones crush the floor.
              i bare my soul for you to see... the remains lie empty handed.
           you took my broken soul 
        promised life... but what can you say for it now?
     that was me when i was with you.
  always left empty handed.
always promised, never open.
never wanting what i was willing to give.
so why do i want to go back?
   what would make this honest?
      who am i now?
         as the demon lies in the corner, barely breathing...
            i remember that i have become my demon.
               because that's all i have left now. that's all i have become.


--------


March 25, 2008 - Tuesday

i’m mixed up
it’s a joke
everything is pitch black now
nothing is clear
no reason to stay
but all those reasons are exacty why i should stay
everything says go
but i wonder why it took me this long.

-------------------------
Monday, Mar 24


fall is not failer
failer is hitting the ground with no where to go
falling has two sides
gliding or bone-crushing
what you view it as falls on you
so watch me fall
you’ll see me soar
and trust me, i’ll be way better.

and no, i don’t care about how you’re doing
because what i’m doing is all i can fix.


where do i fall after this?
where do i become consumed into this barrier i call home?
where do i flee?
right back to where i started... in his arms of love
you cannot provide this.
i cannot pursue that love
when it was settled long before now.

i sit here, restless... as my empty hands escort pain
watch me fall, you failer.
watch me rise above
just sit there... you’ll be wasted away.
and for once, i will win.
because i belong
and i am loved
so quit your laughing

i’m winning.
---------------------

 March 22, 2008 - Saturday



"consistancy is a must"


this is a set up
a trap.
waiting, breathing
feeding on the dead
it coils up to attack
and just like that, consumed
turn these pages
right to left
black to white
demon of the ghost
where my heart hasn’t settled.
conformity is a must
must be promised
promise broken

oh where oh where oh where can i find
this stable desire i hold
oh where oh where oh where can it be
you slipped right through my fingers
you leave me consistency

constantly, you promised.
your seven little lies
you kissed me with hope
now doused with betrayal
kiss me again
i cannot remember this
you bring me pain
but if that’s all you give me,
bring it on for it’s better than nothing.
tonight, i fall.

oh where oh where oh where can i find
this stable desire i hold
oh where oh where oh where can it be
you slipped right through my fingers
you leave me consistency

you leave me
you love me
you leave me no choice
i have to go
this is where it ends, now

oh where oh where oh where can i find
this stable desire i hold
oh where oh where oh where can it be
you slipped right through my fingers
you leave me consistency


 

now, i don't care if you don't believe in GOD.
please don't tune this out.

my actions the past few days have been anger, saddness, and grief.
none of those which i am excited about.
but that's fine.
they're emotions.

what i'd like to say is i am formally denouncing myself. i am formally saying, "colleen, this isn't about you. this is not your will. you can't do this by yourself. you NEED GOD"

why?
i've been called to be a worship leader.
in order to do so, i will not accept comfort and plateau out
not a good idea

with that said, i have to make it not the "colleen elizabeth gilfoy show."
it's not the "watch me play piano show."
it's not the "give me praise because i'm amazing show."
no.
this is "i'm being used by GOD to show you something."

anything.

i don't want to do nothing with my life.
i won't.
but my plans and GOD's plans are completely different.
my plans are to have a lot of friends, be popular, be the best singer in the world, be successful, get married to a really hot man, have maybe 3 hot kids and die rich.

i'm not saying that can't happen... but where do you see GOD in this?
i mean, i'm just one person.
one person.

who wants to change the world.
through music.

if i am the show of it.
if i am the praise of it.
then it all means nothing.

if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love... i am only a resonding gong or a clanging symbol.

without love, i am nothing.
and what is love?
patient and kind. not envy. doesn't boast. isn't proud or rude. not self seeking not easily angered... keeps no record of wrong. doesn't delight in evil... rejoices with truth.
it protects
trusts
hopes
perserviers

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

and guess what?

GOD IS LOVE
and i don't care about doctrine
or religion
or whatever.
i care about love
i care aboue hope
and truth
and faith

this is a dying to self moment.
as of tonight, colleen elizabeth gilfoy has died to self.

like a thousnd knives, your words pierce my hands.
why don't you just crusify our friendship while you're at it.
i'm not saying i want to die here, abandon to our memories
but you've left me no choice but to go on.

go on. change it.
these are my dreams to live it.
go on. change it.
what are you waiting for.

like a phantom in the night, you interupted my life.
if that for a moment of undying care and peace
but now you've taken away all the stuff i need
and these wounds bleed out.

go on. change it. 
these are my dreams to live it.

hello, new blog.
i'm editing your entries now.

maybe i'll number my blogs.
kbye.

i wrote this poem.
a LONG time ago
and i just found it.
it has a few cuss words and a few grammar mistakes but i like it
i like it being misguided and imperfect.
but that's who we are.
right?


-----

just like always, the bus noise makes my head hurt.
it sends a rush of panic all over my face.
step.
lightly.
off.
the.
bus.
now.

feet hit the sidewalk and i FEEL helpless... engery leaves with every clomp on the ground.
i feel the weight of the world on my sholders.
if only the DOOR wasn't SO far to reach. maybe, just maybe, i can be untouched.
the silent creak of the door sends a gleaming dog topling over my ridged body.
i'm stuck in frozen hell.
my mother asks me if i'm hungry.
i am.
very.
but she doesn't know that because i replied with "no."
i remind myself how i'm not hungry after seeing those photos.
all around school.
and home.
and life.
and my mind.
ya know, the one that mutated EVERYTHING.

i slam my books on the table... and glance up.
i didn't notice a tear trickling down my round, fat cheek.
the smell of food makes me miss not caring.
the restless insides of my soul cringe at the site of cameras... fear someone will see a fat me.
my brother scarfs down snacks provided by my mother.
this whole time she's been going on and on about her day and things...
i never noticed because life seems a bit slower now.


i briskly catch myself moving towards the upstairs bathroom.
wow.
completely obvious SOMETHING is wrong.


but i don't give a shit.



i turn on the water. fearful of the noise my rejeacted body will make.
fear of failure will never wash down this drain... even if it were conducted by GOD himself.
i stare at my shaking hands... i make my fingers isolated...
and i jab them down my throat as more and more vomit its the crest of my mouth.
there's no longer FOOD being vomited up... more like useful things, i presume since it hurts like hell.
i cringe at the sight of body fluids...
but this is covered in shame.



i sip the water and step on the scale.
FUCK.
only three pounds?
how can this be?
how is this happening?



that's it.
no more eating at all.
even if i have to cut my hands off or tape my mouth shut
no more gum.
just water.

that's all i need.


i look up to the ceiling.
where is GOD when i need to be completed, i ask.
i shout.

my mother comes up the stairs and tries to open the locked bathroom door.
i start to panic.
i turn the water back on.


she asks me what i'm doing and i said i was shaving and taking my makeup off.
and the worst part about it... she believed me.
what have i become?